If you follow Me on Twitter you’ll know that I a) have very few followers because although the Domme is not, the account is new and b) I speak My mind, I am as assertive as I am confident.
I recently happened upon a discussion revolving around but not limited to, consent, dating apps and the unhealthy (and untrue) constant link between kink/fetish play and violence against women.
The original post was from a verified twitter user and professional writer/journalist. She had written an article for one of the sites she contributes to detailing an experience she personally had, on a dating app, and it was titled “A man asked if he could ‘slap’ and ‘spit’ on me” – we need to stop normalising sexual violence against women.”
I was shocked, not because a man had tactlessly suggested engaging in some rather advanced kink to an unwilling vanilla woman via a dating app (read: bad form My dudes!) but because of the scary knee jerk reaction, said vanilla woman had to it.
I am a feminist (duh) and a Pro Female Dominant. I’m both pro women and pro kink and I am against violence against women, it’s abhorrent, obviously, but correlating kinky things like spitting and slapping with normalising violence against women is a hop, skip and a jump My friends.
Not to mention that the kinky content was prefixed by a question asking for, wait for it…. consent! My mind, audibly, boggled where I sat.
What I was reading was an article, and replies, brandishing any man who asks (albeit tactlessly as a first message on a dating app, I mean come on dude? Not the time or place to bring up BDSM wants and needs… but I digress) a proprietor and part-of-the-problem of violence against women. Wild.
Asking someone ‘are you ok with ___?’ is called consent and it is something we have been harping on about for A LONG FUCKING TIME. I was shocked that someone asking for consent, regardless of kinky context, was being bashed. What twitter-verse was I in?
I agree that the first time you chat or message someone is not the ideal time to ask about slapping or spitting on them during sex and it’s probably the least likely route to getting a positive response. Let’s miss that part. What I couldn’t miss was the fact that the article itself, in it’s aggressively click bait title, heralded the consent part! It was literally IN the title, the part where he asked consent about what would be ok for the receiver in a sexual context.
I couldn’t help but reply tweet My genuine confusion. The first and (to My mind main) argument the author of said article fired My way was that she ‘didn’t consent to being asked that question!’ the moral shockwave was evident here folks and I had to remind her that on dating apps, whether (morally) right or wrong, we all culturally accept that a lot of folk are using it for locating a sexual partner. Hook up culture is a cultural thing and dating apps are well known apparatus of such.
Can you be offended or need consent, just to engage in sexual discussions on tinder/hinge/bumble/etc? I mean sure you can, but you are probably using the wrong app for what you are really searching for.
The twitter arguments got heated, I moved past the obvious issue with calling out someone for asking for the thing we always harp on about (consent) and continued to point out that spitting on and slapping of faces are an integral part of consensual kink for some people, and gasp shock horror – even some women!
The retort was as worrying as the article at hand – if men enjoy this it’s a deeply seeded problem but if there are women who enjoy this, then its an even greater issue that spans society at large.
Well hey there kink-shaming, fancy seeing you here! As a kinky woman (hello, we exist and we aren’t all submissive just as we aren’t all Dominant, wild concepts I know) I tried to share My experience both personal and professional and encourage consensual kink as a healthy practice and not indicative of deep, dangerous, violence against women issues. In My mind, the fact that I, as a professional Dominant woman, get paid to spit on and slap men about the face for their pleasure, was in itself proof that kink wasn’t just about violence towards women (I’m sure they missed the part that consensual kinky play and tastes within BDSM aren’t actually related to real violence either)
It became clear that I, as someone with firsthand experience at something that was being written about in an official context (verified user writing for mainstream online magazine) was not really being heard, or listened to. Not in the way you hear someone and take in what they are saying, not the way you believe someone at their experiences. The author was very sure of her summary and assumptions about kink, BDSM and what consent is within these contexts, although with their vanilla leaning and clear kink shaming replies, clearly showed very little to no experience in any of those things. I was tweeting into the void.
And so it reminded Me of how very far we’ve come, but also, how goddamn far we have to go! It wasn’t that long ago that women were shamed for even wanting to or experiencing pleasure! We are still fighting the stigma that women who enjoy sex aren’t evil, slutty succubi.
God forbid you ask whether your kinky preferences match those of the new stranger your messaging on a dating app known for its Hookup Culture™ and sex matching, because hell fire and kink shame shall rain down upon you!
Jokes aside, this is a pretty important topic for Me. Both as a human, woman and a Pro Dominatrix. I wanted to share some of My thoughts here and ask you, what do you think.
Can women enjoy being slapped in the face or spat on or does that mean they are damaged lost souls that are unwittingly contributing to the real threat of violence against women?
5 Things to take away from this?
- Vanilla people are sometimes inclined to marry BDSM practices with real life violent acts and it’s an ongoing journey to retrain those thoughts.
- Violence towards women is horrible but wanting to spit on a woman during consensual kinky sex doesn’t mean your a damaged or dangerous individual.
- Some women like being dominated, slapped, spat on (and worse) and it doesn’t make them damaged or dangerous individuals.
- Consent is king and we should celebrate it ALL the time, even when timing and phrasing can be improved (don’t ask to spit on someone on your first tinder message, ok kids?
- Twitter is fun but kink shaming is not! Don’t tell people that consensual and harmless sexual preferences mean they are contributing to toxic, societal issues. Not cool.