Erotic humiliation

Erotic and psychological humiliation is on my own list of favourite things to do to a person, which means that when you write to me about it you are not asking me for a favour, and the first thing I am going to want to know is which kind you mean, because the word is doing an enormous amount of work for an enormous number of people who do not want remotely the same thing by it.

One word, a dozen different appetites

Three men can write to me in the same week using exactly the same word. One of them wants to be spoken to in a way that makes him go scarlet, in private, with nobody else ever knowing it happened. One wants an audience, or at least the idea of one somewhere in the room. One wants to be made to do something undignified and then told, at length, that he is doing it badly. One wants it light and laughing and silly, and the next one wants it cold and measured and absolutely sincere. One has a very specific sentence he has been waiting years for somebody to say to him. These are different appetites wearing the same word, which is why guessing at yours would go wrong far more often than it went right, and why I ask instead.

“What you like and what you don't like is massively subject to change, and subject to a shoulder shrug of 'yeh, but did you try it with her?'”

Why what you like keeps moving

Here is the thing that almost nobody tells you while you are busy working out what you are into. Your list of things you like is not a definite or a real list at all, and it depends not only on the person and the dynamic you are playing in but on where you are in your life and where she is in hers, on your age, your stresses, your energy, and everything you have learned since the last time you tried it. Every variable affects every other variable, which means there are more possibilities in this than you can hold in your head: soft limits turn into surprising new obsessions, hard limits sometimes blossom under the right hand, and a thing you were certain you hated turns out to have been a thing you had only ever had done badly.

So if you cannot name your kind yet, that is not a problem to solve before you write. It is most of what the first session is for.

Where I aim it, and where I don't

What interests me is that you chose this. You are a grown man who decided, deliberately and in advance, to arrange this, to turn up, to hand the afternoon over and to kneel down in front of somebody, and that choice is the richest material in the room and the thing that makes the whole exchange hot for me. So that is where I aim: at the wanting, at the decision, at how readily you do as you are told and how much you enjoy it.

I do not come after your body, your face, your age or anything else you did not choose, unless you specifically ask me to. A good many men do ask for exactly that, and it is a conversation we can have properly beforehand rather than me guessing at it, which is the whole point of asking you first.

Humiliatrix, and what the word is doing

Some of you arrive having searched for a humiliatrix, which is simply a Dominatrix whose particular pleasure this is, and it is one of mine, so the word is accurate enough for what happens here. What it does not tell you, and what the rest of this page is for, is which of the dozen things underneath it you are going to get, and that is a thing we settle in words before anything starts.

What a session actually involves

We agree the kind first, out loud, including the words you want used and the ones you would rather never hear again, and I would far rather you were blunt with me about that than polite. You have a word that pauses everything, and it keeps working for the whole session, including for something you agreed to an hour earlier and have gone off since. Then it builds, usually more slowly than you are imagining, because the first stretch of it is me finding out what actually lands on you, and because this works on anticipation at least as much as it works on anything said to you.

It sits very comfortably alongside other things, which is how most people have it: with OTK and traditional discipline, with worship, with teasing and denial, or running underneath a psychological domination session, where the two are really the same instinct pointed at different parts of you.

If you have never asked anyone for this before

Then say that in your first message, and say the word you have been using in your own head for it, however inelegant it is. The people who write to me about this have usually been carrying it around privately for a very long time and are braced for a reaction they are not going to get, and if what is underneath the nerves is a worry that you are too ordinary or too new to be here, that one has its own page.

What to put in your first message

Tell me which kind you mean, as bluntly as you can manage, and tell me what you would hate, because on this subject that matters more than it does on any other. Tell me whether you want it playful or sincere, and whether there is a sentence you have been waiting to hear. I see people at my own space in Canary Wharf as well as elsewhere in London, and if you are somewhere else in the UK I tour and I take outcalls, so tell me where you are coming from, a deposit of fifty per cent confirms the date, and the exact address comes to you once it is received.

Questions people ask

What is erotic humiliation?

It is domination worked through what is said to you and what you are made to do, aimed at the fact that you chose to be there and at how much you enjoy doing as you are told.

Will you make fun of how I look?

Not unless you specifically ask me to, and a good many men do ask for exactly that, which is a conversation we have properly beforehand.

What is a humiliatrix?

Simply a Dominatrix whose particular pleasure this is, which is one of mine.

I cannot describe the kind I want. Can I still book?

Yes, and working that out is most of what the first session is for.

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